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I of course must thank my best friend, God. I know that sounds cheesy but He's the only one who understands every part of
me and loves me unconditionally, despite my doubts and constant failures, and even because of them. This whole book is ultimately
about Him and His works through me (or rather His works through others who have had an impact on my life) but He deserves
a chapter of thanks all to Himself. Actually he deserves much more chapters than I could even think about writing. Thanks
for everything: for everything You've given me and will give me, for everything You haven't given me and won't give me, and
for everything You've taken away from me and will take away from me. Thanks, and all glory be to the Father, Son, and Holy
Spirit. I LOVE YOU!!
I had never really had anything major happen to me during adoration. The first time I went to adoration was at a Steubenville
Youth Conference. I didn't remember ever even hearing about adoration and here I was in the middle of it. I had no idea
what was going on or what I was supposed to do. I'd cry because I felt terrible about how poorly I'd treat my Lord and my
savior, that and because that's what I felt I should do. Others were crying, some were laughing and some appeared as though
they had no reaction. I felt like I should react somehow, then I would look "holy" but laughing hysterically wasn't
me and besides, what did I have to be so happy about? I felt like I was constantly letting God down and it would take a couple
days at a retreat to convince me go to confession. I couldn't forgive myself and I therefore didn't seek forgiveness from
God.
It wasn't until my fourth year of going to the Steubenville Youth Conference in 2006 that I actually felt like I experienced
something during adoration that I wasn't convincing myself that I was feeling. I closed my eyes and saw everything Christ
went through for me. It was so real, just like I was there. I saw every fall He took, the crowd spitting at Him, the scourging,
and I saw my Lord being nailed to that cross. I was there and all I could do was watch from a distance and cry. I realize
now that that's how I've been. I've been like that crowd. I've been an observer which is fine (I learn from others mistakes),
I've been a follower which is fine (I follow the Greatest) but I've been strictly those. I'd observe but when I'd see or
hear something wrong I couldn't be enough of a leader to tell them that what they're doing's wrong. I'd watch from a distance
(or just ignore it) and every time, I'd feel God tugging at my heartstrings, telling me to say something and whenever I ignored
that, it felt like a piece of my heart was gone.
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